Blonde Astronaut?



A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment
on sending women to different planets. First, They called the brunette in and
asked her a question.

"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want? To go to and
why?"

After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars,
because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra
terrestrial life on the planet."

They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to
her.

Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her same
question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings."
Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.

Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they
asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I
would like to go to the Sun."

The people from NASA replied, "Why, don't you know that if you went to the sun
you would burn to death?"

The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you Guys dumb? I'd go at
night!"

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over and help
me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."
Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a
Tiger."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at
Puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him
to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, and then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do,I'm not going to be
able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.
Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these
Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes back in the box."Blondes Love Hunters.

Blonde Painter



The blonde was broke and desperate. She knocked on the door of a doctor's
house and said she needed money and would be willing to work for it. The doctor
asked if she would be willing to paint his porch. He would give her $50 to do
it.
The blonde said that would be fine. The doctor's wife said the blonde must be
really dumb to do such a big job for only $50. "Does she realize that the porch
goes all the way? Around the house?" the wife asked. "I guess so," the doctor
told his wife. A few minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door. "All done,"
she said, "and by the way, it's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."

Don't Give a Blonde a Gun



A blonde buys a handgun at a local pawn shop because she thinks her husband is
cheating on her. When she gets home, she finds her husband in bed with a woman.
The Blonde grabs the gun out of her purse, loads it and points it at her own
head.

Her husband seeing this starts screaming at her not to
Shoot.

The blonde replies "Shut up stupid! You're next!"

Potatoes!!



A blond, a brunette and a redhead escape from jail and
Decide to hide in a barn. As they hear the police closing in, they climb into
the loft and hide in three empty burlap feed bags. A young officer climbed into
the loft, shined his flashlight around, and decided to check the burlap bags. He
kicked the first bag containing the brunette, and she responded with a
convincing "woof". He kicked the second bag with the redhead inside, and she let
out a perfect cat’s meow. "Nothing up here but cats and dogs," the officer
Responded to his superior. Deciding to be sure, he kicked the last bag, the
one containing the blonde. She yelled out "Potatoes!!!"

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten
were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get
off because if they didn’t, then the rope would break and everyone would die. No
one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all
of the blondes started
Clapping.

Going Home Early



Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has
started leaving work early every day. One day they decide that after she leaves,
they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is
she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a
Little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed
early.
The redhead is elevated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health
club before meeting a dinner dates.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she
hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is
mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes
the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day, the brunette and the redhead talk about
leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early
also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"

Going Home Early



Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has
started leaving work early every day. One day they decide that after she leaves,
they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is
she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a
Little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed
early.
The redhead is elevated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health
club before meeting a dinner dates.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she
hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is
mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes
the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day, the brunette and the redhead talk about
leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early
also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"

Blonde Car Crash



As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what
happened.

The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I
Looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree,
so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."

The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mama ... I don’t know how to
tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty
miles is your air freshener."

The Smart Blonde



A blonde and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a long flight. To pass
the time, the lawyer suggested that they try to stump one another with trivia.

"If I ask you something that you don't know, you owe me $5. The same goes if
you ask me something I don't know." The blonde refused.

"Okay. If you don't know an answer, you pay me $5, but if I don’t know an
answer, I pay you $50."
The blonde accepted. The Lawyer went first.
"What is the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde didn't say anything, but merely reached into her purse, pulled out
a $5 bill and handed it to the lawyer. Then it was her turn.


"What has four legs going up a hill, but only three coming down?"

The lawyer had no idea, so he gave her a $50 bill.


"So, what is it?"


The blonde said nothing, but merely reached into her purse and gave a $5 bill
to the lawyer.

There once was a blonde, a brunette and a red head and they were stranded in
the desert and there car broke down and they all decided to take one item with
them so the burnet took her cell phone just incase she got a signal some where
she could call for help the red head took her canteen of water the blond took
the car door after walking for 3 hours the blonde said oh yah i for got i
carried this door the whole time and forgot to roll down the window no wonder i
ahve been so hot

Looking into their eyes
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Swerve to avoid a box
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

Don't say this to a cop
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

Real advertisements 03
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Real advertisements 02
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Real advertisements 01
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

E-mail this joke to your fr

Upset is unhealthy
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes," the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied.

A mental hospital
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

What is the time?
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."