Brooklyn Bridge

A blonde and a redhead were watching the 6:00 news when a story came up about a man who was threatening to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead that the man wouldn't jump off the bridge and the readhead accepted. Well, sure enough, the man jumped and so the blonde gave the redhead the 50 bucks. "I can't take this, you're my best friend." The blonde looked at her, "Just take it." she said. "Well, I saw this on the 5;00 news, so I knew he was gonna jump off." The blonde laughed, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again!"

Stairway to laughter-->A blonde joke

A blonde, A brunette, and a red-head all died in a car crash, and they all went to heaven at the same time.

They arrive at the gates of heaven, when God appears and tells them they must pass a laughter test, if they fail, they will be sent to hell.

The objective was to climb 100 stairs without laughing. Each stair will have it's own joke.

The Brunette goes first, and laughs at the 46th stair.

The Red-Head goes second, and makes it to the 77th stair.

The Blonde, makes all the way to the 100th step, when she suddenly bursts out with laughter.

God asks "Why are you laughing now?"

The Blonde says "I just got the first joke"

Yo mama is so ugly...

Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck

Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras

Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.

Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry.

Yo mama so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours for a quote!

Yo mama so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!

Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!

Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!

Yo mama so ugly Ted Danson wouldn't date her!

Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!

Yo mama so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!

Yo mama so ugly people go as her for Halloween.

Yo mama so ugly she scares the roaches away.

Yo mama so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

Yo mama so ugly she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow

Yo mama so ugly she has to sneak up on a glass of water

Yo mama so ugly she walked into a huanted house and came out with an application

Yo mama so ugly she look like she fell out the ugly tree and hit every limb on the way down.

Yo mama so ugly when she walks by a toilet it flushes itself.

Yo mama so ugly when she was born the doctor slapped her mom

Yo mama so ugly that when she stcks her head out of the car window the police say "No dogs allowed to drive!"

Yo mama so ugly I've seen better face on a can of dog food

Yo mama so ugly I flushed the toilet and she said "You just flushed my picture"

Yo mama so ugly she asked me what my sign was I said "stop"

Yo mama so ugly the tide wouldn't take her out

Yo mama so ugly she makes her picture every time she goes to the bathroom

Yo mama so ugly when she takes a shower it's like "Gorillas in the Mist"

Yo mama so ugly ugly when she put her ear to her bowl of rice crispies to hear snap, crackle, pop, all she could hear was "lets get the hell out of here"

Yo mama so ugly when she goes camping the bears light a fire to keep HER away!

Yo mama so ugly she wears her halloween mask everyday.

Yo mama so ugly she made profit for the "idea" of her costume!

Yo mama so ugly when she goes Halloween shoppin', People try to buy her!

Yo mama so ugly when she can scare a hungry bulldog off the back of a meatwagon.

Yo mama so ugly when the doctor gave her a face lift, he got a hernia.

Yo mama so ugly when she played in the sandbox, the cat tried to cover her up.

Yo mama so ugly she models for Kibbles and Bitts.

Yo mama so ugly when she was born they slapped the wrong end.

Ludwig van Beethoven

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker said. "He's decomposing!"

(A little boy walks up to his father and asks him a question.)

Boy: Dad, is God a man or a woman?

Father: Both, son, both.

(After a short while the boy comes back.)

Boy: Dad, is God black or white?

Father: (After thinking for a short while) Both, son, both.

(After another wait, the boy comes back again)

Boy: Dad, is Michael Jackson God?

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES?

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

How America Works
Let's see if I understand how America works lately...

If a woman burns her thighs on a hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the retaurant.

If your teenage son kills himself, you blame rock and roll music or the musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs of cigarettes a day for forty years and you die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco companies.

If your neighbour crashes his car into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean needles.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world anymore, so if I die while I am parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates. Ok?

Saying The Right Thing

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!

A WOMEN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story.... Have a great day and remember... THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants. At age 12 success is . . . having friends. At age 17 success is . having a drivers license. At age 35 success is . having money. At age 50 success is . . having money. At age 70 success is . . having a drivers license. At age 75 success is . . . having friends. At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*

Take the time to live!!! Life is too short

Wonder what cats do when we aren’t home.

Cab Drivers Wanted

They're not messing around

This cop will have trouble meeting his ticket quota this month.